I know that this post is coming rather deep in January, but I wanted to have something worthwhile to say… and if I couldn’t have something worthwhile, I’ll have something funny – and oh, brother do I have something.

This month, my homeowner’s insurance was cancelled because I had the temerity to be robbed and to have holes repaired in my roof. Well, I have new insurance and I was looking over what I am insured against and what’s not covered. As you read this list, keep this in mind: at some point, this had to have happened to someone.

Perils Insured Against

• Fire and Lightning (ok, that’s pretty straightforward)
• Windstorm and Hail (I’m in Kentucky, so tornado insurance is almost a given)
  • This peril does not include loss to the inside of a building or the property contained in a building caused by rain, snow, sleet, sand (sand? I’m not in the Sahara) or dust (is that a crack about my housekeeping?) unless the direct force of wind or hail damages the building causing an opening in a roof or wall and the rain, snow, sleet, sand or dust (another shot, sir?) enters through this opening (hole roof = good. Open door = bad. Got it).
  • This peril includes loss to watercraft and their trailers, furnishings, equipment, and outboard motors, only while inside a fully enclosed building (but, if I have a hole in my roof large enough for rain, snow, sleet, hail and dust [not my dust], then it’s not really enclosed, is it?)
• Explosion (another fairly straight forward one)
• Riot and civil commotion (yeah… Derby is coming up…)
• Aircraft, including self-propelled missiles and spacecraft. (OK, I don’t know what unnerves me more – the fact that someone said ‘what about missiles?’ and said ‘Wait, what about spacecraft?’… or that someone said ‘Wait, what about missiles and spacecraft?’ This doesn’t bode well for most first contact scenarios.)
• Vehicles
  • This peril does not include loss caused by a vehicle owned or operated by a resident of the resident premises. (OK – so I’ll just have to make sure I hit the driveway the first time)
• Smoke, meaning sudden and accidental damage from smoke. (Sudden smoke? Is there a gradual smoke? Am I going to wake up one morning and say ‘wait – is there smoke? When did this start?’)
• Vandalism and malicious mischief (as opposed to gregarious mischief? ‘I am gregarious and mischievous – let’s set this dude’s house on fire!’)
  • This peril does not include loss to property on the residence premises if the dwelling has been vacant for more than 30 consecutive days immediately before the loss (29 days, 23 hours – you’re good. 30 days, 1 hour – you’re screwed. Plan your tagging carefully, homies.)
• Burglary from within a building on the residence premises of which there must be visible evidence of forcible entry (hopefully they’re going to ignore the gaping hole in my roof and not track dust into my house.)
  • This peril does not include loss caused by burglary:
    • Committed by any insured
    • In or to a dwelling under construction, or of materials and supplies for use in the construction until the dwelling is complete and occupied; or
    • From any part of a residence premises rented by an insured to other than an insured (having been robbed, no jokes from me here – besides, I am saving up for…)
• Volcanic Eruption other than loss caused by earthquake, land shock waves or tremors (OK… umm… last time I checked, most volcanoes don’t just sprout up like mushrooms after a good rain. The ground is going to shake. Besides, if a volcano erupts near my home – insurance is the last thing I am going to think about. The first? THERE IS A (CENSORED) VOLCANO COMING UP IN MY BACKYARD! I AM SO KICKING MY REALTOR’S ASS!)

Here come the good parts…

EXCLUSIONS

We do not insure for loss caused directly or indirectly by any of the following. Such loss is excluded regardless of any other cause or event contributing concurrently or in any sequence to the loss.

• Ordinance or Law, meaning enforcement of ordinance or law regulating the construction, repair or demolition of a building or other structure, unless specifically provided under this policy (When adding a sunroom is outlawed, only outlaws will host summer parties).
• Earth Movement, meaning earthquake, including land shock waves or tremors before, during or after a volcanic eruption (umm… but volcanic eruptions are covered… so long as the volcano doesn’t make the earth shake. Burning hot lava? OK. Choking smoke? OK. Earth movement? You’re just out of luck… apparently they have more lawyers than geologists); landslide; mudflow; earth sinking, rising or shifting; unless direct loss by:
  • Fire
  • Explosion
• Water Damage, meaning:
  • Flood, surface water, waves, tidal water, overflow of a body of water, or spray any of these, whether or not driven by wind (umm… isn’t rain really just water driven by wind? So, is the rain covered, but not the flood, which is really merely an accumulation of rain water past a really safe point)?
  • Water which backs up through sewers or drains; or
  • Water below the surface of the ground, including water which exerts pressure on or seeps or leaks through a building, sidewalk, driveway, foundation, swimming pool or other structure (Thank God I have my secret underground glacier to supply me with water – wait, global what?).
• Power failure, meaning the failure of power or other utility service if the failure takes place off the residence premises (huh? So I’m covered if my neighbor’s power goes out and it drags me down?).
• Neglect, meaning neglect of the insured to use all reasonable means to save and preserve property at and after the time of a loss (look – I’ve had floods, volcanoes, earthquakes and spaceships hit my house. I know when I’m not wanted).
• War, including undeclared war, civil war, insurrection, rebellion, revolution, warlike act by a military force or military personnel (I know military people – this is also going to cover parties, get-togethers and beer runs), destruction or seizure or use for a military purpose (can you weaponize a keg? I know people who can…), and including any consequence of any of these. Discharge of a nuclear weapon shall be deemed a warlike act even if accidental (Hey, what does this button do? Dammit! I had two more payments!)
• Nuclear Hazard, to the extent set forth in the Nuclear Clause of Section I – Conditions (OK – if I wake up and my goldfish is sporting a third eye and I don’t have to use a night light to read at night – see my comment about volcanoes)
• Intentional Loss, meaning any loss arising out of any act committed:
  • By or at the direction of an insured; and
  • With the intent to cause loss (House? What house, sir? Oh, that – well, the soldiers got a little carried away. You know that I am covered against missiles, right? No, they’re not nuclear – good heavens, man – I am not irresponsible!)
• Condemnation. We provide no coverage under this policy if, prior to the date of a covered loss, the dwelling or other structure is declared condemned pursuant to local, city, state, federal or other government regulation. Upon date of condemnation, coverage will cease (so… after the earthquakes, alien invasion, volcanoes, windstorms and rain – do you think I’m going to actually look at my house and say ‘so spackle and primer and no one will know the difference!’)
• Criminal Acts, meaning any loss that results from the criminal acts of any insured, including tenants and/or their relatives, on the residence premises (What’s that smell? Oh, that’s the weaponized beer keg – pay it no mind…)

So – this is all the fun that being a homeowner can be. Just remember – they can take my nuclear, volcanic weaponized light beer anti spacecraft missile from my cold, dead and lava encrusted fingers.

Sleep well,

Sincerely to you, dear Reader,

Seething Apathy