Some of you may be complaining that I am not following that ‘blog once a day’ rule I set up, to which I say ‘it’s my blog and I’ll do whatever I darn well want to do’ and follow it with ‘the word day is defined by the period in which I am conscious’, so it’s still today and this will be the blog for today.
Anyways – the title refers to this quote from the great Greta Garbo. I work in a call center, which are 8 ½ hours of non-stop noise and none of it is desirable – if it’s not the beeping of the phone, it’s the people on the other end of the phone making demands and somehow thinking that by saying ‘I’ll just take my business elsewhere‘ will somehow give me reign to alter the laws of probability (quick answer… no. Long answer… hell no and I don’t care if you leave – caring is not my department). When I go in the break room, the TV is on CNN and that offers no real relief. I might have to start taking my lunch outside now that the weather is cooling down. One would think that I would unwind at home, but I still feel stressed there as well – I come in and it’s more noise and chatter around me. The only time I feel any sort of relaxation is on the way to and from work, when it’s just me in the car. I just turn on my CD player and I listen to some of my favorite tracks alone. Isn’t it sad that out of the 16-18 hours I am conscious, I only feel relaxed for about an hour? The more I am here (in an existential sense) the more I feel everything closing in around me. I try to get as much out of it as I can. I don’t sleep that much on the weekends not because I am trying to pack so much living in only two days, I stay up so that I can have some more quiet time. Is this being greedy? Seriously, I’m asking this. It’s not like I hear voices in my head telling me that no one wants to see me and that I would be better off dead (they usually only say the last part… apparently they’re more outgoing than most other disembodied voices), but I feel stress when I am around people. That’s why I shop in the evening. That’s why when I do have to shop in the day, I wear headphones.
This is why I hope to make it. I would love to get to the point where I can afford some land in a less densely populated state (maybe Idaho – no one says nothing about them in the news. It’s like the wallflower state in the big U.S. dance) and build a house. I would still have everything connected – running water, power and a halfway decent Internet connection – and have a lot of open room. Maybe a couple of acres, not to farm or forest (heavily, maybe a few trees to shield the house from prying eyes) but just to have some all-important breathing room. A cabin with no TV, maybe just a small radio to listen to if I get tired of listening to music or just if I want to turn everything on and just take in the silence… and my tinnitus. I promise you, if you get an invite to visit, I won’t have my feet in Kleenex boxes – but I will not give you a guarantee about any jars of urine.
On that cheerful note, I am going to end this day and say good night.
Is it wrong to want to nail Jen Riddle? I hope not, because I don’t want to be right…
Seething With Apathy